Thursday, August 27, 2015

8/27/15 – Week 5: Only Judy Can Judge Me

Happy boy!

Saturday 8/29/15 – Today at 3:00am, I was awake and pumping in the living room.
Suddenly, an error message appeared on the screen.
The machine made a noise like beep, beep, beeeeeep.


It was dead.

I tried plugging it in and unplugging it and it wouldn’t work.

I looked it up and found this:
If the message “ERROR” appears, return the machine to the dealer.  

Are you kidding me?!  
I wake up to pump and it won’t work?!  
I was just starting to get a good amount to come out and BOOM it shuts down.  I’ll be swapping this out in the morning for another one but right now I’m screwed and pissed.

In other news, Evan is so adorable and is smiling so much now.  It’s amazing to watch him look at you and just smile.  It melts my heart.

"I think I like this book."

Fun reading with Mama!

He also LOVES getting his diaper changed!  We put him on the changing table and he starts smiling.  He likes to be fresh and clean!

Today we had an appointment with a baby chiropractor for cranio sacral therapy on Evan.  Basically it looked like a lot of hocus pocus.

This therapy was recommended to us by the lactation consultant who said he is holding tension in his jaw.  This can happen when babies are in the birth canal for a while.  He might need help loosening his jaw and once that happens he can open his mouth wider and it should help the pain while breast feeding.

Julia and I agreed to see this lady once and take it from there.  We are very close to being finished with trying out new things to help the pain of breast feeding go away.

Although it looked like some voodoo shit, Evan responded to this woman and to the therapy.  We made an appointment for the following Saturday as a follow up.  We were told that within 48 hours we should see some results.  Hopefully breast feeding will be less painful.

We just have to do what’s right for us.  Whether it’s breast milk or formula or a combination of the two, we are figuring out what is best for our family.  And for crying out loud, it’s not like formula is f&%$ing poison.

Julia randomly came across this awesome article while searching for something online.  She sent it to me because she knew she was meant to find it.  I read the article and cried.  If you have time to read Susan's story, please do.

I felt so connected to this woman and her experience.  I felt so many of the same emotions that she felt about giving her baby formula and not having an amazing, come to Jesus breast feeding moment.  This made me feel like I’m not alone.  And that it’s ok to do the right thing… the thing that’s right for me and for our family. 

There is something so nice about feeding my baby a bottle and looking into his blue eyes while I have my shirt on and I’m not in pain.  Evan needs a happy mommy and Julia needs a happy wife.

There is so much judgment between moms.  It’s disgusting.  Women judge each other when they hear someone is using formula and not breast feeding.  

I’ll admit, I did it.  I would hear about women not breast feeding and think, “Oh that’s a shame.”  
I judged them.

Now, I would never do that.  You don’t know anyone’s situation.  You have no place to judge.  If a woman is feeding her baby, she is a good mother!  Whether it’s breast milk or formula, it doesn’t matter.  And no one should feel the need to explain themselves and their decision.  There is so much pressure; it’s ridiculous.

For us, we had the perfect storm of a tongue tie, a lip tie, a baby with a small mouth, a c-section mommy that delayed the milk coming in, a nipple shield that limited his intake equaling a bad latch and an extremely painful breast feeding session that made Evan not gain enough weight.

But if you ask me why I’m feeding my baby formula, I’ll cut you!  
I shouldn’t have to explain myself!  It’s none of your business!

Make the feeding wars stop!

When these kids are in kindergarten, no one is going to look around and think, “Oh, that kid was formula fed.  What a shame.”

That’s not gonna happen!

I feel so lucky that we have the finances to have hired doulas and lactation consultants and pediatric dentists and baby chiropractors.  I feel so lucky to have a supportive spouse who says, “Whatever you want to do, I support you.  It’s your body and your decision.”  She hates seeing me in pain from breast feeding or pumping or just emotional turmoil from the entire situation.

Our rented torture device

Only Judy can judge me.

"You're doing great, mama!"

I was starting to feel jealous after going through an awful breast feeding attempt and then giving Evan to my wife for a bottle and hearing him smile and coo.  All while I go back to the nursery to pump so I can stimulate my breasts in the hopes of my supply increasing.  He’s so happy with the bottle – because he’s eating!  This boy loves to eat!

I’ve reached out to friends who breast-fed and not one of them had a perfect, good experience.  
“Does it still feel like needles in your nipples?” 


These other moms know, but no one talks about it while you’re pregnant!  I really had no idea it would be so painful.

Monday 8/31/15 - I'm out of the house. Sans baby. It was weird being in the car looking in the rearview mirror and not seeing Evan in his car seat. I miss his little face! But he's in good hands hanging out with his mama at home.

I'm at the salon getting a pedicure. Sitting in a massage chair. Drinking some water. Going to get an eyebrow wax. Getting an extra long foot massage.

This color seemed appropriate - HEY BABY

I'm out in the world! I'm a mommy!

Moments like these I think, “Ok we can do this!” 
I got an extra 30 minute nap early this morning while Jules fed him a bottle. It made me feel like an actual person. And now I'm feeling pampered and life is good. We are going to get a Starbucks walk in later and this is turning out to be a great day.

Evan getting ready for tummy time with his Mama

Tuesday 9/1/15 – Today I had my 6 week appointment with my doctor. Everything is healed and I can resume normal activities.  I want to start exercising at some point… maybe when I can get a little more sleep.

I have 15 pounds to lose to return to my pre-baby weight. Here we go again – women make such a big deal about losing the baby weight.  And I get it.  I saw the scale and I want to return to the pre-baby number trust me.  I just have to remember that I had a BABY 6 weeks ago.  This will take time and let’s do it slowly. 

Just driving in the car, I can't even sit there without the seat belt rubbing across my nipple and causing me pain. This is not a long-term solution.  I want to return to wearing normal bras again… and not being in pain.  Yeah, that would be nice.

Apparently, I get vasospasms which is basically the blood flow being restricted to my nipples because of past TRAUMA.  So when the blood can't circulate normally, it makes my nipples turn white and it HURTS.

Yeah, it feels kinda like that.

Wednesday 9/2/15 - Jules went to work today. “Ok let's take this hour by hour,” I thought.

I'm nursing for one feeding then giving him a bottle of formula for the next and then nursing. So I skip a feed and don't nurse or pump but that's all I can handle at this point. My supply might go down but we will see.

The lactation consultant wanted me to breast feed, give formula as a supplement to make up for anything he didn’t get from me and then pump.  First of all, I can’t pump when I have a baby and am home alone because he needs to be held and entertained.  
And second of all, by the time I’m finished all of that, he’s hungry again and I’m just feeding all day long.  
And third of all, IT HURTS, SO NO.

At least when I do breast feed I'm nice and full so he gets enough food from me that he doesn't need a bottle of formula after. Then when I bottle feed him, I get a break from the horrible pain and I can recover a little.

So on my first day of being a stay at home mom with a working spouse, we took a walk and went to Starbucks! Evan and me!

Huge accomplishment! My goal is to take a walk every day.

Then Jules came home and made dinner and we gave him a bath and it was a great night. 
The bath was a success and no crying at all!

Tonight I pumped and got almost the most milk ever. My supply is not going down yet at least!

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