Sunday, July 12, 2015

7/12/15 - Children's Books

Over the past few months, Julia has enjoyed reading books to our boy through my belly.
Whenever she puts her head close to him and he hears her voice, he starts moving around like crazy!  It is so special to see and I know he can tell she is his mama.

We have been reading Baby Blackbird some of the classics.
That being said, I have a few things to say about three books in particular.

#1 - THE CAT IN THE HAT - By Dr. Seuss


We all remember this book, right?
Well I didn't.  
Of course everyone has heard of it, but just do me a favor and read it again.
You might be shocked by the "lessons" that are taught within these pages...

First of all, these kids are bored out of their minds staring out the window while their mom is NOT home.  Then all of a sudden, The Cat In The Hat comes walking right through the front door!


Hello, STRANGER DANGER!!!
Why is the door not locked?!
Mom isn't home!
Where is the ALARM SYSTEM?!


How about you say, "Get the f*&% out of our house, you STRANGER!"
Clearly, the FISH is the only sane one in this book.


He's the only one who says the Cat shouldn't be there because MOTHER IS OUT!
Of course the fish is ignored and CHAOS ENSUES.


Just like a frat party, the Cat has some friends that he invites over WITHOUT invitations.


Still no one is listening to the fish who says everyone has GOT TO GO!
So we have MORE CHAOS!


The only time the fish is heard is when he spots MOTHER coming home.
The Cat tries to redeem himself by cleaning everything up and he finally leaves.
Mother walks in and asks what the kids did all day.


"What would you do if your mother asked you?"
I'll tell you what you'll do!
You'll TELL THE F*&%ing TRUTH because your mother asked you a question!
And from now on the door will stay LOCKED and you will listen to your FISH!


#2 - THE BUTTER BATTLE BOOK - By Dr. Seuss


This one you might not remember as well.
I hadn't even heard of it.
The book starts out by letting you know there are two kinds of people.

Butter Side Down People, ZOOKS:


And Butter Side Up People, YOOKS:


They have this huge wall that separates them and they HATE each other.
They are constantly battling and making new inventions to try and KILL each other.


The whole time we're reading this, I'm thinking, "Dr. Seuss, you smart little devil!"
He's always writing these great books with amazing hidden morals.
Like this one about how we should ALL GET ALONG even though WE ARE DIFFERENT.
We are all people and we should LOVE EACH OTHER.

In anticipation of this amazing moral, we get towards the end and Grandpa tells his Grandson that he has one last invention for the butter battle.


He's holding a small red ball.
I'm thinking, "That is an oddly shaped HUG."

He gets on top of the wall and meets the other guy who also has a small red ball.


Suddenly, we are on the last page of the book and I'm thinking, "Maybe these are JELLYBEANS!"
Maybe they realize that they both like RED jellybeans and have something in common!
And here comes Dr. Seuss with his amazing moral of the story!

Instead we get this:


THEY ARE BOTH HOLDING BOMBS.
WHO WILL DROP IT FIRST?
WHO KNOWS.
THE END.

Are you f*&%ing kidding me?!
THAT is the moral of the story?!
This damn Cold War book has no ending!
It ends in uncertainty and DEATH.
This one is staying on the shelf for a while...


#3 - THE GIVING TREE - By Shel Silverstein


Oh Shel, what great books you write.
Or do you...
I was excited to read this one again with thoughts of instilling in my son the great life lesson of GIVING.

We start out with the little boy loving his tree and swinging from her branches and eating her apples and playing games with her.


He even CARVED his initials in the tree because he loved her so much.


And "the tree was happy". 
Quote, unquote.
Ok, at this point I'm thinking, alright Baby Blackbird, we don't CARVE things into trees, but I'm still into this book.
So, we keep reading.

The boy grows older and this little punk thinks it's cool to carve MORE things into the tree!


He goes to the tree and the tree tells him how much she LOVES him and asks him to PLAY and SWING from her branches because she's missed him.

All he can say is that he's too big to climb and play and he needs MONEY.
The tree tells him to take her apples and sell them at the market.


So he climbs up and takes all of the apples and NEVER SAYS THANK YOU.

Strike one, Shel.
Strike one.

Time passes and the teenager is now a man and he DOESN'T visit the tree and the tree is sad.
Oh, but he makes sure to come back when he NEEDS something from her.
He says he needs a house and the tree offers all of her branches to the man so he can build a house.


This son of a b*tch takes all of her branches and runs off to build a house for his wife and NEVER SAYS THANK YOU.

Strike two, Shel.
Strike two.

More time passes and the man is now an old man.  
He doesn't give a f*ck about the tree for decades and then returns once again WHEN IN NEED.
The tree is so happy to see him and all he can think of saying is I NEED, I NEED, I NEED.
ME, ME, ME.
Now he wants a boat to take him far away.

Finally we got something right here.
Get this jerk outta here!

The tree selflessly tells him to CUT HER DOWN so he can make a boat.


And that's exactly what he does as he RUNS AWAY with the ENTIRE tree and NEVER SAYS THANK YOU.


"And the tree was happy... but not really."
Well, no shit, Shel.
The tree is practically DEAD.
Of course she isn't happy!

Well more time passes and this prick has the gall to come back AGAIN to see the tree.
The tree tells him she has NOTHING LEFT.

Now I'm thinking, finally this jerk will thank the tree for everything she has given him over the years.

Wrong.

The old man says he doesn't need much but DOES NEED SOMETHING.
A place to sit his old, tired ass down.

The tree is so happy to be useful again that she straightens up her stump and gives him a place to sit down.


And once again, he NEVER SAYS THANK YOU.

Strike three, Shel.
Strike three.

Supposedly the "tree was happy", but I'm not buying it.
That poor f*&%ing tree just GIVES GIVES GIVES and all that grown ass man can do is TAKE TAKE TAKE and never even say thank you?
And that's the END of the book.

Are you kidding me?
At the end, the tree should have said, "Sure, come and sit on my stump, i.e. all that's left of me because you took everything else.  In the decades since you've last given a shit about me, I have become a home to a nice family of FIRE ANTS.  Have a seat you prick and they will bite your ass up, you ungrateful dick!"

This book doesn't teach our son about saying PLEASE and THANK YOU and certainly isn't a good lesson about the ENVIRONMENT!
We'll file this one on the shelf for a little while too.


In other news, here's your Sunday bump photo!
With the way I'm feeling at this moment, chances are this might be our last one!

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